Outside of the counseling office, there’s a missing conversation about intimacy. I’ve noticed that a topic my clients will discuss openly with me but rarely with their partner is a cornerstone of intimacy: sex. It’s a subject shrouded in misconceptions, yet very important for fostering deep connection and fulfillment within romantic relationships.

Myth-Busting: It’s Not About Frequency or Sparks

So let’s debunk some myths and explore what truly makes sex satisfying in long-term relationships.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not about the frequency or location of your sexual encounters, nor is it about constantly reigniting the spark. Instead, it boils down to two simple concepts: trust and pleasure.

You see, as relationships evolve, so does our approach to sex. We’re often led to believe that as life’s responsibilities pile up, our sex lives will inevitably fizzle out. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Of course, each relationship is unique, and the way we experience intimacy varies greatly from person to person.

As with so many things, confidence is key—confidence in knowing what emotionally connects you to your partner and then embracing what brings you and your partner genuine pleasure.

The Power of Communication: A Couple’s Journey

Let me share a story from one of my couple’s clients (names changed for privacy). Letty found herself grappling with a lack of interest in sex, and also feeling guilty for not meeting Cyril’s expectations.

Through open and compassionate communication, however, they found a way to navigate through it.

Cyril helped enormously by encouraging Letty to imagine seeing the “part that feels guilty taking its energy back” like someone returning an item that’s no longer needed to the store for a full refund. It was a powerful metaphor that helped Letty relax while also strengthening their bond.

By prioritizing Letty’s comfort and trust, Cyril was doing the most important thing anyone can do to improve any relationship. As Dr. Sue Johnson, a renowned therapist who created Emotionally Focused Therapy (the model I utilize) aptly put it, trust is about being emotionally present for one another, especially in moments of vulnerability.

In essence, it boils down to a simple question Dr. Johnson always imagines clients are asking of the most important people in their lives: “ARE you there for me?” The ARE is an acronym that stands for emotionally Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged when your partner needs you and vice versa. These are the building blocks of a resilient and deeply satisfying relationship, both in and out of the bedroom.

Prioritizing Pleasure

Getting back to sex, how do you discover what brings you pleasure and effectively communicate that to your partner? That starts with self-awareness and open dialogue. We really have to take the time to explore our own desires and preferences, whether through self-exploration or with our partner’s involvement.

Experimentation will be an exciting journey of discovery, leading to deeper intimacy and satisfaction.

One helpful tool to facilitate this process is the Yes/No/Maybe List, readily available on the internet with a quick search.

This simple yet effective tool allows you to categorize sexual activities into three categories: Yes (activities you’re comfortable with and enjoy), No (activities you’re not interested in or uncomfortable with), and Maybe (activities you’re curious about or open to exploring under the right circumstances). Sharing and discussing your lists with your partner can spark meaningful conversations and foster a deeper understanding of each other’s desires and boundaries.

The Key to Sexual Fulfillment

Remember, communication is key. Be honest and open with your partner about what you enjoy and what you’re comfortable exploring together. Approach these conversations with empathy, respect, and a willingness to listen. By prioritizing open communication and pleasure, you can cultivate a sexual connection that’s fulfilling, satisfying, and enduring.

Let’s challenge the conventional wisdom and embrace a new narrative—one where communication, comfort, trust, and pleasure are paramount. Because when it comes to long-lasting relationships, the secret lies in authenticity and connection.